Crazy isn’t being broken, or hiding a dark secret, it’s you or me, amplified.
I remember the date you knocked on my door,
2nd of March, 2017.
And I let you in, for you seemed so approaching and so friendly
We chatted and chatted, and I could sense the sadness in the air
As you slowly consumed my soul, and my life started seeming totally unfair
I tried to run away from you, I tried to save myself from your tight grasp
But you held on to me, and I knew it was a death trap
I spent days, on my bed, trying to make sense of it
Trying to hold the puzzle pieces together, and make them fit
It became difficult, to reach out for the plate of food kept right beside me
Which my stomach craved, but for which, my mind had no appetite
‘ You enjoy being depressed’, my father told me one day
And I laughed dryly, for how can anyone enjoy watching themselves disappear into the darkness?
‘Are you afraid of dying?’, my mother asked me one day.
Perhaps, that is the part of the problem mother, I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of living!
I couldn’t hold down even a little bit of food in my stomach,
Everytime I woke up after sleeping for hours, I couldn’t tell whether it was day or night
For even the sunniest of the days, seemed the darkest to me
Numerous appointments with the therapist, and continuous consumption of anti depressants
I reached to a point where, I almost led my therapist to say, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone.’
The anti depressants worked for a few days, and then I developed resistance
Even they couldn’t fight, the sadness that resided in my heart
Food seemed like a friend turned into a stranger, laughter was something I couldn’t even dream of
Smiling took so much effort that it hurt my facial muscles
Color had drained out of my life, and I could see things in only black and white
‘It’s all in the mind’, a friend of mine said one day
Yeah, only if was that simple, won’t I be laughing heartily right now, my buddy?
Everytime I visited my therapist
She asked me, ‘How are you?’
‘Okay’ was my usual reply, something that rolled out of my tongue without even thinking, out of habit
‘I’ll be waiting for the day you say, I’m good! I’m awesome!’, she said
I smiled sadly, for even I didn’t know, when will that day arrive
Some people laughed seeing me in that state, saying I’m being an attention seeker, a drama queen
If only they knew, how difficult it was for me, to even do the simplest things like getting out of the bed and having something to eat
I developed this aura, this dark aura
Which had become a part of me, and stayed with me like my shadow
Those were the bad days, I call them the dark days
It wasn’t until a few months later, on the night of 31st May, 2017
That I sat writing this poem
And that’s when the realization finally hit
That nobody can help me out, except for me
So, dear depression, after months of staying loyal to you, and being your best friend
There came a day when I finally realized, that it’s the best to let you go
For I can’t afford to lose more pounds, and I can’t afford to see the people who love me in pain
This is a goodbye letter. I know you’ll try to reach out to me from every means possible
Like you did, the last time I tried to leave
Numerous missed calls, and text messages
But this time, I’ll switch off my phone and throw it away
I have had enough of you, I have been learning different words for survivor, and they are all my own name yelled louder and louder each time
And I hope, the pieces of broken glass, spread across the floor of your dark dungeon,
A result of me breaking down the window of your shadowed house
Will inspire that girl to fight against you, will shed her some light and give her endless hope
Who has already been caught up in your disastrous wrap.
Until then, Goodbye.
And there are times, when despite your best efforts to make things right, things don’t seem to fall into place. You pick up the puzzle pieces, try to make sense of it, only to realize that they don’t fit in together. Maybe, that’s how life is, it doesn’t make much sense. There’s confusion, and frustration and sadness, and the more you try to save yourself from the darkness life pulls you into, the more you get engulfed in it. But then, there’s always this tiniest ray of hope, which makes you keep fighting, for the happiness you deserve. You look at the bright blue sky, and smile. The cool breeze embraces you, and you realize, it’s impossible to be sad, admist the simple beauty of nature.
‘Let go’, she told herself. Sometimes it’s okay to let go, of things that make you sad, of people who don’t value your presence anymore. She was surrounded by darkness, and the demons tried their best to break her apart. But, she became her own guiding light, she made way for herself out of the darkness. She didn’t need anyone anymore, she realized. She didn’t need a superhero anymore to rescue her in the bad times. She became her knight in shining armor, she became her own superhero.
Love. Why do we always see it in the romantic sense? Why do we confine it to only one person, when there’s so much more to love in this world? I fall in love everyday, with the little things and the people around me, with the starry nights, and the sunny mornings. I fall in love with the wind when it embraces me, and plays with my hair. I fall in love with songs, when my heart beats to their tune, I fall in love with my friends, when we laugh till we are out of breath. Love is everywhere, around us, inside us, we just have to clear our vision every once in a while to see it, to feel it in our heart. I fall in love with the stars, which keep twinkling every night, I fall for the moon, which flaunts it’s scars, like they are it’s most precious possessions. I fall in love with the soft waves of the ocean, the salty summer breeze, and the sand between my toes. I fall for books and movies, for exotic words like intriguing and magical. I fall in love with myself, with my mood swings and my imperfections. So when people ask me, ‘have you ever been in love?’, I say, ‘Yes, so many times’. I’m enchanted by this lovely old world, and I’m glad to be alive in it.
It was a beautiful spring morning. We had decided to meet on my best friend’s terrace. You brought along your little Labrador puppy, who made my lap his bed and slept peacefully. You played my favorite song on your phone, looked at me with lovestruck eyes, and I blushed. My best friend laughed. Our eyes locked, and I knew you were asking, ‘Can we be alone for a while?’. I smiled, and gave in. ‘We’ll be back’, you told my best friend. She smiled and got busy with the puppy, as we made our way to a corner of the terrace, away from anyone’s sight. I stood against the wall, and felt you come close and closer. Our breaths mingled. You kissed my forehead, my eyes, my cheeks and then my chin. I kept my eyes closed, holding you tight, feeling the love you were pouring down on me. And just like that, you kissed my lips. A soft peck, which after all these years, still lingers on my lips. I opened my eyes, and looked at you, scared and confused. ‘Won’t you kiss me back?’, you asked with such a low voice that I couldn’t resist. I pulled you close again, and locked my lips with yours. We kissed and kissed, unable to break apart. I swear the world stopped turning at that moment. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered wildly, my heart hammered against my chest, and as I placed my hand on your chest, I felt your heart beating wildly just like mine. My hands clutched your shirt, and when we pulled back, we looked at each other, breathless. My lips felt weird, funny, kissed. It was the first kiss, flawless.